Monkey Balls
Ancient stoners discuss a visit to Costa Rica
This begins a new series of random convos between a couple of ancient stoners who happen not to care what people think, as long as they keep laughing. Dan and I were friends for about 12 years before we finally met in person in Ojochal, at Los Gatos Locos treehouse bar and restaurant. Despite the restraining order, we remain friends to this day.
Daniel Lee — author, friend, and instigator: “Adelia, today I went to the farmer’s market in my neighborhood in San Francisco, thinking I would get some potatoes and carrots and mushrooms, which I did. At one booth I saw albino balls and thought they might be good for a condition common in older men. It’s almost impossible to get wild ginseng or powdered rhino horn, so we have to use sildenafil, which makes us go temporarily blind and chat up mannequins. Albino balls seem like a promising alternative, as they are both rare and politically incorrect. They were being slyly marketed as Japanese turnips (Hakurei), no doubt to fool the health inspectors.
Adelia Ritchie — poet, scientist, recovering technical writer: “Daniel, if you want albino balls as a regular part of your diet, you need to live in Costa Rica, where the howler monkeys have the grandest, most delectable white balls you’ve ever seen.
On a trip there a few years ago the four of us girls hired a driver to take us to Nosara Beach from San José. Along the way, Franco got a little bit flirtatious and racy with us, talking about how his passengers often take him to their rooms for a refreshing orgy after a long, hot, bumpy ride. Or maybe it was a long, hot, bumpy ride in the room after the 5-hour, hilly and pot-holed foreplay in the van.
“He said, ‘American women have to stay out of the hot Costa Rican sun because their skin is so white. White, like monkey balls.’
“I guess Hakurei is the Japanese version, although I’ve read that Japanese monkeys keep their balls warm in the natural hot springs, so maybe they’re not as pale. More research is needed.
Daniel: “There are things you need to know about Franco before signing up for a hot bumpy ride in his room. The first thing is that he eats howler monkey balls in a manner he calls au natural, but I call tea cupping. While he goes by just Franco in Costa Rica, he goes by James in Hollywood, and he has admitted to having sex with his acting students, two of whom are howler monkeys. Rumor has it that since his appetites have been curbed inside the U.S. he has been satisfying his unconventional sexual tastes in the jungles of Costa Rica.”
Adelia: “Yeah, I heard he was last seen chatting up mannequins and swinging from a bamboo chandelier with some crazy cats in Ojochal.
“Speaking of cats, Dan, did you ever stop to think about the etymology of gato (Spanish for cat) and gateau (French for cake)? They are pronounced exactly the same. Can you imagine some random Tico passing by when Marie-Antoinette famously shouted from the balcony, ‘Let them eat cats’?
“‘Nite, Daniel.”
Author’s note: Forgive us but don’t forget us. Something about Costa Rica tickles my funny bone, and I share these chuckles at great personal risk. What tickles me even more is when, the day after, I go back and review the previous day’s texts between Dan and myself, especially when it’s something about my adopted country. I couldn’t resist sharing this one. Regrettably, there will be many more.
